Honestly, everything started way before the video, but that's, I guess, a story for another day.
Getting something so "intrinsic" to my life off my chest was a necessity. And I know that putting out in three minutes on Tiktok could be seen as strategic but it was honestly out of desperation.
I had already created the courage to start mentioning the cult on social media about a year prior. When I was testing the tiktok waters when bored in my boyfriends apartment, mostly going through sillytrends and ances, that could get my a couple thousand views at a time, probably for being white and a red head. A little "gringa"looking. But I came across a audio Bailey Sarian had talking about some cult, I actually don't know which one. But I posted it and shared the video to my Instagram page. And that alone caused a couple main characters to come out of the wood works. One being my father saying he could loose his job for me using the word "cult" for people don't understand and it can make us look bad. And of course I fought it, but also, got quieter. Fighting my parents on this wasn't anything I EVER wanted. Believe me. And if you don't, I'm sure anyone who knows me can attest to that. But that's all to say, I had talked about it before. So, over the next year I sat down with my parents on two separate occasions to say what I've been saying this whole time. I want to work with music. And I want that to be a public person job. I am willing to work through the issues that can come from that, because I will not be a public person and lie about my life. So, I will be talking about my life, and everything that happened, and I will put it in my music, and I will be honest, cause that's what's healthy for me. People are going to say whatever they want to say about me and I would like you (mom and dad ) to remember who I am. This girl sitting in front of you who is a hardworking, kind, intelligent, empathetic, loving, respectful, admirable woman. And I am still going to be that person, no matter what. It felt good to stand up for myself and voice in detail what was going through my heart and mind for so long. But, they're gonna be, who they choose to be. And the rest of their involvement still needs to be, a story for another day.
So posting day arrived and God knows I had no idea it would be posting day. It was about week two since I had decided I needed to move out, and had informed my parents in the most awkward way, since I didn't want their involvement and let them know strictly for practical reasons. And I sat on that matress on the floor, loading myself up with water cause that one fan was definitely not enough to keep the heat out in that empty room and Ali really did deserve to have it directly on him as he sweat on his prized possession red and black gamer chair, but he obviously directed it at me, cause it was routine that i lay depressed there all day, and sometimes without being able to express what was happening and sometimes word vomiting so much information onto him he would need a minute for work to breathe, which would in turn make me feel guilty for getting in the way of his work, and well, this all sucked. Thankfully, we are who we are and we are a great couple. And it had to be this way.
As I'm writing this he is currently singing and working in the next room of my apartment, and what i had planned to be a great hardworking focused type Monday, but it is almost 6pm and i haven't been able to function or even be in sunlight, makes me very frustrated. But reminds me once again that I am loved, and I try once again to accept I deserve this love. I am worthy.
Back to posting.... I was just there, existing. And started having a harder time breathing... this has become common now but right then, it was the first step, it was the first push, it was my body telling me i couldn't hold it in any longer and i needed to speak up to whoever would listen. And i honestly wanted to call any therapist to yell at her for a while, but then the thought of having to pay and not having the money would creep in and terrify me and get me to a way worse overwhelmed state of mind. So I picked up my bag of make up, and convinced myself I could do a get-ready-with-me. Oh wait, yeah... so, I skipped a step.
After the Bailey Sarian video the year before, and the conversations.... and me leaving the house without letting them know my plans, I reposted that video. And got a slew of messages I have never read, but i screenshot and sent to all my friends, who also said i shouldn't read it. And i guess that's where i declared war. I also got so many support messages and people curious and interested. Which is definitely something that contributed to my interest in going the social media route. And one girl very curiously, wrote me saying she would love to know more and that i should do a GRWM which has been very popular all over these short video and edited content is posted. My inicial plan had always been youtube.... after posting something post the Bailey Sarian audio the year before, I was focused on making this into a youtube series where I could calmly and thoroughly explain what, who, where, why, how.... all the questions.
This even came up on my birthday party, when i was able to talk to my best friend with more time and space and she said i should go ahead. And she supported me. And even though she wouldn't care at all about the reasons why, i did express them in intense enthusiasm, and how i was feeling suffocated and i didn't want to step into releasing my music and being a public artist again without speaking my truth. Of course she was on board. But was also really shocked when the video came out. She didn't know it was coming out. No one knew it was coming out. I didn't know.
So I took my make up bag to the living room and thought i needed a mirror, so i pulled the mirror off the bathroom wall and hung in on the kitchen counter. And just stared at myself. And i started crying.... I had been trying to hold back tears for months. But that would just make me randomly cry and always made the situations more difficult. I've been very close to completely breaking down, many many times. So much goes through my mind.
I opened tiktok. Changed the position of the camera a couple times, ended up with the frontal one opened. Practied my smile, a couple times. Then hit record. My stomach turned and everything in my started shaking, and i felt like a child. Like a scared little girl, trying to get a grip of where she is, who she is, and why we're here. I felt lost in a dark room and my body was reacting intensely. So I said all i wanted to say. I tried to make sense of the basic facts so i wouldn't have to deal with the discrepancy reactions being the main issue, when i had a really intense topic to bring up. The internet still brings sucky people so even though facts are facts, a lot of people want to refute it and make me look crazy. I'm supposed to not only know this comes with the territory, which is easy, but also know how to emotionally handle it, which is fucking hard. I love therapy. And so I added the automatic subtitles and fixed the names, and other details and posted it. Walked back into my boyfriends room and went back to my position on the matress.
It took me a couple minutes but then i told him, and when i told him, things started happening. All these messages started flooding in. From people I knew, and others that i didn't. So many angry family members because now I had ruined everyone's lives and reputations, their jobs and livelihoods would be at stake, and I could even be hunted down by the Federal Police for lying. It was intense. And overwhelming, and the intense gaslighting that went on during the next days definitely created a new scar in my heart. It was so disheartening to read all I read, and I know I shouldn't have, but I'm pretty sure you would if you were in my shoes. I'm a people pleaser, I'm a family oriented girl, I have done countless things and fought for me countless times without disrespecting anyone. Without being abusive to anyone. And I have loved and respected all those who treated me poorly during this time. And i still do. But no one had the guts to love and respect me. Well, I'm sure some did, in their own way. But in general, it was a sad moment. To bury a lot that i loved, to finally BEGIN to release all the hurt and heartache.
And that's honestly how I'm physically and mentally feeling now. Hurt, and Sick. With so much fear. I'm nauseated and fearful. I'm shaking and fearful. I'm overwhelmed and fearful. I'm tired and fearful.
And you wouldn't think it was this hard by what I offer externally, daily. But I am sad, terribly sad. And so overwhelmed and tired. So hurt and upset. And I haven't even begun to express my anger, an anger that consumes me sometimes. And that's just where I'm at. I'm getting all the type of generic advice, and believing i can make more of it, but I'm doing all the right things to do. And still, it just sucks. I'm grateful, but it sucks.
